How To Stop Loving Someone Who Dumped You
It seemed like a fairytale meeting at first. He swept you off your feet, had that perfect funny smile, and always knew how to cheer you up. It seemed almost fated that you two would be together forever, and truly, things were great for a while.
Then, it happened. Whether there were warning signs or it was a total blindside move, the two of you split up. He flat-out dumped you and made it clear that he doesn’t want you back. But, here you are, wishing he would come back to you and take things back. You’d do anything for it to happen!
Newsflash: You need to stop loving your ex.
Uggghh. I know it sucks to hear this… Your ex is not the one for you, and trying to hang onto him (or her) is only going to hurt you. The easiest way to get over the breakup is to learn to stop loving him. And if you’re going through depression after your breakup, there are some other things you can try too.
It is never easy to move on from someone you love. However, it is always doable. It just takes time and a little strategy. As someone who has been there, done that, and has a game plan for you is on the job. So here’s what you need to do so you can move on and find an amazingly healthy relationship.
Step 1: Stop contacting your ex.
Several studies show that the affection has is directly linked to proximity in many cases. This is why you tend to befriend people who you see on a regular basis, and why people are more likely to start relationships with people who they see every day. When you feel addicted to love, you have to let go of your “fix.”
You won’t be able to get your ex out of their head if you’re still talking to him. This is especially true if your ex is the type of person to rope you back in for toxic reasons. While it may be easier said than done, you need to exercise self-control and block your ex on all contact methods.
Hackneyed as it sounds, no contact really works. This is one of the hardest steps to take, but it must be done! It will make it easier for you in the long run to let go of him. The power of silence on your end after will also give you a sense of control in your life.
Step 2: Get rid of the things that remind you of your ex.
This can be hardest for some people who have hope that he’ll come back to you. And it is especially hard if you’re the type of person who clings to sentimental stuff. However, this is actually part of the “no contact” deal. In order to reduce the hurt you feel, you will have to get him out of your mind.
Removing the things you have that are tied to him will put your ex out of sight, out of mind. Severing those “memory ties” will clear up your energy and help you heal. Moreover, having those reminders thrown out will help keep you from reaching out. There’s no better time to declutter from your ex’s stuff than during a pandemic.
While you’re at it, now is an ideal time to turn your area into a place that’s all about you. By making your room and other areas all about you (not him), it’ll be easier to focus on healing yourself.
Step 3: Remember that your ex wasn’t perfect.
No human being is perfect and that includes your ex. Even if you were fairly blissful together, there had to be some pet peeves that drove you up the wall. Whenever you start to think about how much you miss him, think about how much you don’t miss his smelly feet or gross humor. You’ll be surprised at how much it helps.
If you can’t help but fawn over his habits, another way around this is to take a look at the benefits that came with being single. So, instead of grieving about being alone at home, think, “I’m so glad that I don’t have to worry about asking him where he is at 10 PM!”
On a similar note, if multiple people have told you that they were concerned about your wellbeing in the relationship, now would be a good time to check out your local therapist or love coach. They may be able to help you unpack what happened and give you a new perspective on your relationship. Talking to a coach or someone who understands what breakups are like can help you tremendously.
Step 4: Learn to love you again.
This is one of the more challenging parts of getting through a breakup, especially if you were in a relationship where you lost yourself or put aside most of your interest for your partner’s sake. Here’s a quick run-through on how you can get to know yourself again:
- Cook three dishes that your ex hated. Ever notice how many times relationships can impact your diet? If your ex had certain foods he absolutely refused to eat, make those and savor that flavor!
- Then, go out to the restaurant that you missed but he detested. There always seems to be one restaurant, nightlife venue, or location that couples can never agree upon. If you had a restaurant or venue that you adored but missed out on, now would be a good time to pay it a visit.
- Go out to do things you haven’t done in a while. Now is the perfect time to enjoy those hobbies that always seem out of reach while you’re in a relationship. Foraging, anyone? Or maybe it’s time for a spa trip…? Either way, it’s time to have fun on your terms.
- Hit up the friends he hates. Yes, that includes that one who constantly has that “obnoxious laugh” that grated on his nerves. Your friends and family are a part of you, you know.
- Treat yourself to the things you always wanted him to do. Did you imagine a day when he’d take you to Las Vegas? Maybe it was a spa day, or a Lakers game? Whatever it was that you wanted, take the time to treat yourself.
- If he wronged you, be upfront and open about what he did. Don’t let him control the narrative or turn your friends into his flying monkeys. Set the record straight. When guys get to play innocent when they weren’t, it often makes it harder for their exes to heal from the damage.
Step 5: Make you a better person.
Part of losing your love for a person is knowing when you deserve better—and actively focusing on giving yourself the life you deserve. Self-improvement is the ultimate self-care tool and can actively combat the issue of feeling undeserving of love and affection.
Now is the best time to hit up therapy, take a new workout class, hit up a healthy eating website, or even start that business you’ve always wanted to do. The more you take control of your life, the better you’ll feel and the less you’ll feel like you need to be with someone. You can start enjoying YOU time.
Step 6: Think back to other moments where you grew apart from others, and how you ended up better off.
It may seem cliche to say this, but it’s true. Every breakup happens for a reason, and that even includes friendships and relationships. More often than not, time puts things in perspective in a way that wows everyone involved.
I mean, really think about things. Remember that one crowd of people who ended up bailing on you in a mean, callous manner after years of friendship? Most of us have at least one of those crowds in our past. Or maybe, you might have been the one to dump them.
Chances are, they’re not living their best lives now. While you might miss the people they used to be, the fact that they rejected you in a harsh way or the fact that you had to push them away says something. They are not the people you thought they were. That relationship had to go.
When you learn how to move on from a serious relationship is the best time to learn to love you.
In many breakups, what we tend to grieve the most isn’t the real person who left. Rather, we tend to mourn the loss of the person who we thought they were. Or even more frequently, the potential that we saw in the relationship.
The more you start to realize how much of your love is based on an illusion, the faster you can get over your ex. You are not in love with them, you’re in love with the person they claimed to be. That alone gives you a perspective worth its weight in gold.
In reality… your ex wasn't the only one for your, or the best man in the world. Right now let’s take the stance that he’s really not that great. He’s got his own stuff to deal with too. He might have even had a toxic personality.
Step 7: Take all the time you need.
Even if you have the heart of a concrete elephant, breakups are going to be rough. They always are. If you loved your ex a bunch, the hurt you feel can be absolutely devastating. Thinking that you will be able to get over it all in one day is just plain silly and unreasonable. There’s not a magic potion, but the pain makes you aware of what you do want in your life.
There are stages of grief people go through during a breakup, and you’re not the only one who feels this way. You can connect with other women here in our private support group.
Breaking up always has a certain grieving process associated with it. There will undoubtedly be times where you will feel a pang of hurt, or just get a little wistful about the relationship you once had. When the breakup is fresh, those days will be frequent. As time marches by, you’ll start to feel the days where the hurt starts to become less.
If you feel like you need to cry, let it out. Scream beat a pillow, acknowledge the feeling, and then move on with your day. Every day is going to be its own little journey, so you have to treat each day as it comes. Some will be good, some will be bad, but with enough time, you no longer will grieve the way you do. You can feel better.
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